I consider myself a crunchy mom. You know, "granola"... a modern hippie. I buy into attachment parenting, I (used to) use cloth diapers, I wear my baby, I breastfeed, and I co-sleep. Well, sort of. I'm a working mom, so sometimes it's hard to do all of the AP mom stuff I'd like to do. Would I rather wash my umpteenth load of cloth diapers, or spend time with my kids? I had to sacrifice the cloth diapers. Co-sleeping, also known as sleep-sharing, however, seemed like a no-brainer. I work full-time and this seemed like a great way to reconnect with my babies at the end of a long day.
When my first son was born, he was what you call a "high need baby." He needed to be constantly held and soothed, and I was eager to respond to all of his needs. He was always in the mood to nurse; I don't remember a time when he would turn it down. It was only natural that we would co-sleep, and so we did. He nursed all day and nursed all night. At daycare, he did fine with a bottle, but he made up for it on evenings and weekends, and I was happy to oblige. He never really slept through the night; he always woke up to nurse. It wasn't until he about 18 months that he began to sleep in a crib, sleep through the night, and like it. This was perfect for me and my husband, since I was pregnant with our second son and nervous that we all couldn't successfully co-sleep.
When my youngest was born, we tried the side-carriage, but it just wasn't as convenient as co-sleeping. So into the bed he came. My second son is very easy going, and only nurses to eat or fall back asleep. He doesn't dawdle. All the while, my oldest was sleeping in his room. It was going great.
Until about a month ago.
My now two year old decided he was done with the crib. Not only did he "voice" his opinion by screaming, biting and scratching, but he also proved this to me by silently climbing out of his crib and stealthily low crawling into our bed in the middle of the night. He was NOT feeling the big boy bed. My husband and I took turns falling asleep with him in his big boy bed, only to sneak out later in the night. When he finally did realize we were gone, he "voiced his opinion" again. My husband resorted to sleeping all night in the "big boys bed."
Maybe he just didn't want to sleep alone. I was willing to indulge him. After all, plently of families successfully co-sleep, so why couldn't we?
Our first night with the family bed was a novelty. My infant in the middle, as usual, and my toddler at the foot of the bed. After the "milk please, milk please, milk please," "milk is night-night," argument, we all slept great. We tried again the next night, but the novelty had since worn off. I was a referee all night, keeping my active-sleeping toddler from trampling all over me, my husband, and the baby. One night, my toddler actually wanted to leave the bed. This game of musical beds was wearing on all of us. My husband and I argued more, rarely had time to hug, let alone talk, and it was never exactly quite what anyone wanted. We were so frustrated with our son, that we raised our voices and ineffectively disciplined. I was at my wits end.
Another thing that boggled my mind was that my two year old was so well-behaved at daycare (read "perfect angel") and slept independently with no problems! At home, he was whiney, clingy, and screached and scratched when he didn't get his way. What was I doing wrong?? And why wasn't this beautiful, wonderful, natural thing working for us???
Desperate, I foraged for information and settled on reading three different behavioral/sleep books.
The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers - Elizabeth Pantley
Mothering Your Nursing Toddler [Book] by Norma Jane Bumgarner
In the beginning, I felt like I had the devil (Break the Co-Sleeping Habit) on one shoulder and the angel (Mothering Your Nursing Toddler) on the other. The No-Cry Sleep Solution was a happy medium. All in all, I feel I took a little from each book in my nighttime approach. The Mothering Your Nursing Toddler book made me feel better about nursing a two year old, and I convinced myself that I would feel better about nursing him if I set limits, especially by ending the co-sleeping. The No-Cry Sleep solution gently reminded me that my toddler was indeed able to be night-weaned. The Break the Co-Sleeping Habit was the stiff drink I needed that gave me the cojones to do what deep down I knew needed to be done.
We were ending the co-sleeping.
My seven month old seemed game for anything. As long as he nursed when he wanted, and had a blankie by his side, he was happy. My two year old... not so much. We started on a Friday night. It was exactly what you'd expect, a nightmare. He "went to bed" at 7:30, but didn't fall asleep until 9:30. We followed "Break the Co-Sleeping Habit" instructions to the letter. He woke up at 12:30 and resisted until 2:30. He woke up again at 3:00 am. He did not protest this time. He woke up and came into our room at 5:00 am on Saturday. We figured it was time to get up. He took his nap on Saturday, and come bedtime, he went down with minimal fuss. He did wake up a few times in the night, but was not difficult to resettle. Sunday night was a disaster, mainly because he refused to nap. The nights aren't perfect, but they sure aren't any worse than they were before. In fact, something amazing has happened.
His day time behavior has done a complete 180. He is sweet, affectionate, obedient, and demonstrative. He is just a pure pleasure to be around. Bedtime is predictable and consistent and he has two parents that love him and are patient with him. We respect him as a person, but have definitely found our authority as parents. And it seems like he responds to that.
No, bedtime isn't perfect, but it's getting better. And yes, I loved co-sleeping for a season, but seasons change. It's not right for us anymore, but that's ok.
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